What I have written below may seem very raw and intense. It is not intended to alarm, harm or scare anyone. It is a metaphorical representation of what my depression and loneliness felt like, as it is often hard to describe with words.
There is dark hole in the middle of one the biggest cities in the world. I’ve been down here for 15 years or so…by now, I’ve lost count. I’d like to say I don’t know how I got down here, but the truth is I know exactly how I got here because I dug this hole myself. I just didn’t recognize how deep and dark it was getting until it was too late.
The lights of the city above are bright, but not bright enough to reach down and illuminate the darkness of this place. I can hear the people above me. There is laughter, chatter and bustling… they are alive and living. I call out. I scream. I jump. A few people stop and glare down into the hole. They can see me but they don’t reach a hand down and help me climb out. I reach out to people from the hole. I ask them to join me for dinner, to hang out. I beg and I beg and I plead. But they can’t… not tonight Nes they say… they have a party to attend, a girlfriend to take to dinner, they offer a rain checks that never get cashed or they say next week I’m gonna come check you but no one ever comes, no one. Some people send down messages of hope…. I hope you are ok… I hope you are well…. but I can’t help you… Im not invested in your life enough to want to bother to help.
Then after all these years my prayers, my screams from way down below make their way to God’s ears. And he sends someone, an angel from heaven; a friend on earth. They come, reach out their hand down and pull me out of the darkness. This was my chance to live in a world of light once again. It was beautiful, but short lived, perhaps, even a delusional fantasy because without explanation I am here, back in the black hole; back home. The hole is deeper and darker and even more cold and lonely now then I remember it. I am certain now that I will no one is coming to help. I am certain now that no one is coming to help. I am the black hole and the black hole is me. I live in it and it lives in me.
I suppose I am not your typical depressed, friendless lonely person. I am fun, funny, interesting, thoughtful, smart, kind, accepting and forgiving. I tube down rivers, travel to different parts of the world, hike; often out adventuring, but I always alone. I have spent almost every birthday, Halloween, New Years and every Saturday night either begging someone for their company or alone. I have never been invited to a Friendsgiving. I want to share all of my beauty and radiance with the world, but there is some powerful force keeping me here in this hole. And with each passing second, day, year…. I deteriorate a little more. I know I am strong however because despite living in this darkness for so long, I am still breathing, my spirit is alive and I still keep trying to get someone to hear me and help me. I know about 50 people that I am certain would show up for me in death. But it seems no one wants to show up for me in life. This realization is painful… every second of every day.
They say loneliness is a pervasive public health crisis. They say people die of loneliness. I am that statistic. Loneliness is killing me. All I need is just one person. just one person that is listening closely enough to hear my cries… can hear me, can connect with what I am saying; one person that can’t imagine the idea of someone suffering a lifetime alone in a deep, dark hole.
***I can’t end this without saying that I am no longer in this space. And while it was awful and terrible and disturbing, it turns out it was the prelude to a very incredible journey of self love, self discovery and self acceptance that may not have been possible without it. I look forward to sharing that journey with you also in a future post.***
If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States at 800-273-8255. You can also reach out to us here at wheremyvillage.com. You are never alone.
Forever your villager,
Vanessa
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