When I was 6

*TRIGGER WARNING- RAPE*

I remember my 6th birthday like it was yesterday. I come from a relatively Christian family so most of my birthdays were Christian gatherings in prayer. I remember waking up to some food and my great grandmother getting ready for all the guests. It was mostly a prayer circle focusing on my future. I don’t think God ever heard their prayers.

After my mom left Honduras my great grandmother was in charge of me. Because I was only 6 I couldn’t stay home alone. I grew up with many cousins, girls and boys so I had many options when it came to babysitting. As odd as it was, we lived in the capital but we had no markets around so my great grandmother had take a bus ride an hour away to go buy groceries like beans, rice & vegetables. She would go every Tuesday & Thursday. She didn’t like to go once a week, she used to say food would go bad if it was kept for too long. Because she was gone for about 3 hours of the day, I needed a care taker. She asked my uncle if one of his 4 kids could watch me and he said yes, he agreed to have his oldest song watch me  on Tuesdays and Wednesdays  when my great grand mother would go grocery shop.

I was always close to all my cousins so 6 year old me was okay with this arrangement: While my great grandmother shopped, my cousin and I would watch movies or play hide and seek. It was all innocent and playful. Just the 2 of us in the big family house.

As the weeks went by, my cousin started coming up with games for us to play because doing the same thing for boring to him.

One day he told me he thought of a new game where he was a horse and I would ride him & it would be so much fun. I agreed. It started with us in my room, he would lay on my bed on his back & I would sit on top of him. It was all innocent; at least it seemed that way. For the first couple weeks I would get on top and “ride” and it was fun because every time we would both laugh & then watch movies or eat snacks.

As weeks went by, he asked me to take some of my clothes off. It started with my socks, eventually it led to my pants/skirts & shirts. There was a time where I would ride the horse in nothing but my underwear. To me, I was having fun. I didn’t know any better.

As days went by, he asked me to move my panties to the side when I rode him & he took all his clothes off too. 6 year old me would be ok with this but I remember crying every time. As I continued to say yes, he started telling me to touch his private parts while we played our game. I remember saying no ONE TIME and after that time I was never allowed to say no again. I was no longer allowed to be me. I was no longer allowed to be 6 years old. I was no longer allowed to think or do for myself. I thought my life took a turn when I turned 4, but my life changed when I was 6. Mentally, 6 year old me was gone. My innocence was taken from me and there was absolutely nothing anyone could do.