Before I Turned 6

I was born in Tegucigalpa, Honduras.. the capital of my country.. from what I can remember it was a poor city but the people made it rich. I remember how happy people used to be, or at least that’s how they made it seem, that’s what made me eager to one day become a happy adult, like them.

Since I can remember my dad never wanted to have anything to do with me, from what my family’s told me at least. All I had was my mom & nothing else. So I loved my mom like she was all I had, until I turned 4 and she decided Honduras wasn’t enough for her.

I don’t remember much from before I turned 4, but I think that’s normal right? My life took a turn when I turned 4. One day my mom pulling me to the side and told me that she was going to go on a long trip and never come back. She assured me I would be safe & one day we could be together again. I cried but eventually said ok, not like my opinion would’ve made a difference anyway. Two days later she woke me up at 4am, I remember her wearing a white hat, had her hair down & had a book bag with her.. she picked me up & walked to the door with me and told me she was leaving. I remember holding her so tight because I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why she was leaving or where she was going. I was too young to grasp the reality of the situation. I was 4 years old completely confused about my life. I cried for hours after she left, I wouldn’t eat & I could no longer sleep. I didn’t hear from her for 3 months after that. She called after she was established in the US & told me she missed me. I remember that first call like it happened yesterday because after she told me that I stayed silent. I resented her because why did you leave me? I had no father, no siblings, only 2 near death great grandparents. Don’t get me wrong they helped shape me but it wasn’t enough. I deserved more. I deserved real love & comfort. I deserved to be taken care of. I deserved parents who wanted me.

As the months went by so did the connection with my mom.. she would go weeks without calling. I was 5 years old thinking no one loved me, convincing myself that I wasn’t enough because both my parents left me.. how could that be? I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I still can’t sometimes. I remember my great grandparents talking about me and saying I didn’t have anyone but them and telling my mom she should’ve taken me because I was suffering.. I miss them so much every day of my life. They are the only 2 humans that never let me down. For all my life when someone asks about my father I tell them my great grandfather was my father. They are both in heaven now & I haven’t seen them since 2004. I miss them every day because they took care of me, they were my emotional support when it came to my mom and did the best they could, but it wasn’t enough for a 4 year old. I was never protected from the dangers of the world, or the dangers within our own family. They could never protect me from that.